My Silent Battle with Mental Illness

Many people openly shared their personal experience in mental illness. Those people has inspired me to do the same. To speak about this nagging issue in my daily life. This is terrifying to be personal and vulnerable knowing there is a stigma in mental illness. Very few people knew about what I am going through, I haven't really talk to my friends and my family about my struggles.

I want to feel free of this dark secret. Which I have realized should not be treated as one and something I should not be ashamed of. Sharing my stories can be liberating.

I took up Industrial Psychology expecting me to be able to understand and unravel my mind. There were some subject who have been helpful and was able to reach self realization. I've learned and practice some coping mechanism. University helped me discover some personal traits and life in general. Saying goodbye to college life was quite difficult, but I was excited to face another season in my life.

Adulting was not as easy as it sounds - man! I was not ready to budget, save and think of the future. Stress and pressure to be someone and make a name in your field was real. Frustrations, disappointment, hurt, low self esteem and exhaustion. Feelings that are alien to me started clouding my life. But, I am thankful to find true friends, mentor and my boyfriend to support me.

Year 2015 came by so fast. This is it! I am making a name, almost at the peak of my career. My work has been recognized and my effort has paid off. Then suddenly, my life turned 360 degree. At the same year, I was pregnant, married and became a mom. It was a whirlwind to the point didn't had a chance to sit and just think about what had happened. This has taken so much of my energy - the adjustment, changes and anxieties it brought me slowly affected my mental health.

I've entered 2016 with a different persona - strong, in control and have a perfect life. As days passed, my mind and heart can't keep up anymore. Anxieties and panic everyday. The feeling of fighting alone has taken away a lot in me. I started to withdraw from meeting my friends, not sharing my feeling or thoughts to my family or loved ones. My relations has immensely been affected. My life has started to crumble and fall down in my own eyes.

I was not my usual self anymore, there was no other emotions than pain, panic, anxiety and blank. Explaining it to someone make feel like a useless person. Sharing what was going on had been more and more difficult on a daily basis. I started to be more scared in opening my mind and heart. Seeing a therapist has helped me figure why this is happening and what to do.

With the help of my therapist, they diagnosed me with clinical depression, some trauma, low self esteem, general anxiety disorder and panic disorder. We started doing some therapy sessions then decided to take precautions and seek medical intervention.

This blog will not end by saying "I am a survivor" or "I have overcome depression, anxiety and panic". I am not there yet. I am hoping to get there. I just need to breathe.